- Learn to Always Trust Your Gut Instinct
There is always that still small voice in the side of you – forever nudging you in whatever direction. It will even whisper when you are going wrong. But guess what, we never hear this small voice because our attention is taken by other loud noises around us. Noises from our daily, normal lives. Noises from our dreams and aspirations. Noises from those reminding us of our past, failures and misdemeanor. Noises telling you that you cannot become.
Smell the coffee my dear. It is up to you to drown out those voices – if you don’t, they will ultimately consume you alive. You should learn to walk away with your head held high when you feel like it. If that is what your instincts are telling you; heed the call. It will save you a broken heart.
Not heeding will deny you the peace, quiet and tranquility. Instead, you’ll be bombarded with fear, resentment, hate… name it. But if you listen to this small voice, it becomes your voice of reason. And guess what, God rewards you for the obedience. It is a game changers secret. You must know yourself well enough to understand and get to know when this voice is speaking. That instinct is your gut feeling.
- A Cheating Partner is Just That
Not so long ago, I was in a relationship with a serial cheater. He would cheat even when out on a date with him. And guess how he justified this, that he was cheating because I had refused to move in with him. Well, my position still stands, unless a man officiates my position in his life, I am not doing wifely duties for him. I would rather remain single than disrespect myself to this level.
Growing up, I saw my favorite cousin nurse the disrespect that comes with a cheating partner. She would always justify the guy, cover for his sins and hold hopefully to the belief that someday he would change. And the an illness took its toll on her, she was alone. The character was no where to be seen. Only to turn up on her funeral.
Sweetheart, cheating partners will not change just because you will so. They will continue disrespecting you either because you are too naïve, or too fearful to be alone, and they know your weakness. Girl, you need to love yourself some more. You are not anyone’s spare part. You are a goddess representing God on mother earth. No one, and I repeat no one, should treat you like an option. But this starts with you setting the standards for how you want to be treated.
Please, I beseech you, do not harbor a cheating partner, lest you are open to crying oceans for the rest of your life.
- Let Your No Be a No
Always stand for what you believe in. There are no two ways about it in life. You cannot please everybody. And it is your happiness that matters. If you mean to say ‘NO’, say it and stand by it. It doesn’t bite and neither will it change you. As a matter of fact, it gives you so much freedom and shields you from vulnerability.
In my yester years, I was a yes girl. Always fearful to disappoint and or to voice my thoughts. My upbringing was such that my parents, were the alpha and the omega and their word was gospel truth. Being the inquisitive type, I would ask questions that were never to be responded to. And in order to hush me up, I would be thoroughly beaten or dismissed. This ate into my self-esteem. It drained the simple energies of childhood and I became introverted, a move that was tremendously celebrated. What they didn’t know, was that my never saying ‘NO’ and new quiet nature was a shield.
Fast forward, years later and now as an adult, I’ve struggled with this for the longest while. I am just in my journey of my becoming and nothing is as liberating as learning to say ‘NO’ and standing by it. You feel some ounce of freedom and greatness. You start taking charge of your life. Remember, you are the captain of your ship. Saying ‘NO’ allows you to steer your life as your heart wills. But do not forget the voice of reason and freedom.
- Take Charge of Your Emotional Dependence
This goes connects to self-love. My dear, until you learn to love yourself enough, you will be tied in the bondage of emotional dependence. I have taken that journey for so long, as I was always getting into relationships for the wrong reasons. I wanted the other party to be the one to love me. Forgetting that love is a two-way traffic; one has to give in order for you to receive. I would expect the other person to be the one doing stuff for me. In times where I gave, I was the one in the need to be loved – in turn pushing them away. I would give in too easily, tag my emotional baggage along, quick to anger, non-expressive, extremely emotive, totally dependent on the partner. In the end, I was forever dating myself. The society pointed fingers at me. I was termed cursed.
In the end, I ended up alone. I needed to be emotionally independent to be in a position to understand another. Tough as it may, I took a step back, no dating, no hangouts, no external interference, just doing me. It was a painful, hurting, lonely journey and full of sorrow. During these times, you will doubt your abilities to the ends of the earth. You will cry and be broken. At some point, I questioned God and wanted to end it all. But guess what? I am here today!
Right now, I do not need to overly justify myself to anyone, nor to explain my decisions. I do me. What makes me happy is what counts. You too can get to this point. You can take charge of your emotional independence.
- Don’t Fall in The Trap of Over-Committing
Relationship red flags can be picked from an earlier time. The concern comes when we pick a tendency but choose to overlook it. Girl, this will haunt you for the rest of your life. Open your eyes, and where possible your ears too. Read in between the lines. Understand what is not being said and while at this, understand your love language too. Life is simple, it is black and white, no grey areas. It is we humans who put the ‘maybes’ and in the end complicate it all.
A friend once dated a guy, taking ‘fool’ responsibility to meet his needs. He was studying and life was tough on them. She would pay his rent, do monthly household shopping for him and still cater for his family’s needs. His mother in the village would call the girl, asking for chama money, or medical fees. And in the name of love, she would give, give, give. The guy would not even hand her the keys to his apartment. The same house she was paying rent for. And neither would she even visit at her own free will. It was for him to invite her over at his convenience. Until one-day drama ensued; the friends to this guy called her over. Lo and behold, two other ladies were fighting in that same house over the guy.
It was time for her to return to the drawing board. Where had the rains started beating her? How did she end up getting to this point? We her friends had seen the red dots, but she always chose to ignore.
My dear, question everything while in a relationship. Trust your intuition. Listen to that still small voice. Ask for opinions. But most of all, walk with God. He is the only friend who will never leave you nor forsake you. Even in the darkest of paths, He remains to be God and will hold your hand and see you through it all. Just trust Him.
If you feel they aren’t what you desire from the start, pack and take a hike. Don’t fall in-love with them. Don’t over commit to their anything. Do not hesitate to say ‘NO’. Do not trap yourself in regrets.
- Stop Procrastination
This is the best advice I’ll ever share with you. Live today, tomorrow is not a guarantee. And yesterday is gone. It is history. You need to plan on your own relationship experience, goals and life in future – it starts from the first day. Do not be tempted to just give it a try, you will be wasting your own time too and energies. You are either in a relationship or not; relationships have no ‘testing the water narrative’. Do what you need to do from the first day, ask the right questions even if they feel uncomfortable. Face your fears. And, have your future in mind.
Pursue respect and appreciation, and let you be loved in your own love language. Teach your partner what pleases your heart and reciprocate the experience. It is a ‘give and take relationship’ after all. Put down in black and white what you want, expect, desire and be categorical from the beginning.
Do what needs to be done today. Say today exactly what you mean and say it to the right person. Stop procrastination, that is the beginning of your failure. If you want to succeed in life, keeping a journal, becoming disciplined, coming to your passions and relationships are a must do.
Girl, just learn to do you. Do not apologize. Do not fret. Do not pretend. Live your life fully, and find your peace; there is no repetition in life. It is a series of ups and downs, fails and successes, tears and laughs. But keep grinding and making you happy. It is your life sweetheart.