When the sun rises afresh every morning, do you gloat over leaving the warmth of your bed or over having to make a cup of hot chocolate? Do you mull or droll like I do over the glow of the rising sun, or do you keep complaining over the stories of yester years? Talk to me now, because I sit today, lost in thought over what would make a heart so bitter and a soul so restless, that they miss to see the link to their blessings. What is that thing that blindfolds you so that your life is on a standstill? I am struggling to fathom why anyone would just sit and wallow in failure like it is something to be so proud of.
No. I refuse to understand this. It does not matter what you are going through, trying to justify this is not acceptable. 2nd of January it is. But some heart somewhere, is boiling in bile. Complaining to God like He owes them a life. Hating on Tom, Dick and Harry, almost burning in jealousy and hatred. Why now, why?
Looking back at my yesterday, I regret every second I wasted complaining and hating. Every moment that I missed counting failures. Failed relationships because I let self-esteem issues take their toll on me. Times I could not dress the best nor eat well. I felt I wasn’t worth it. That it was an entitlement of the blessed few. Accepting that this was my lot in life. Lulling myself to sleep, in tears, courting poverty and lack; serving them like an entitled daily meal. I hate and like that season in equal measure. But hold on a minute.
Let me tell you what bile and hatred do to you.
Hate kills your morale. You lose the energy to do anything, and you begin existing like a zombie. Even dressing up and showing up become a tussle. You want to start a fight with even a rock or a dog on the pathway. Your tongue becomes so light, you can utter anything without a care. Have you ever seen this person who exchanges words even with a mad man at the marketplace? You begin to self-doubt and compare yourself with others. Seeing as if others are living in paradise while you wallow in the deepest pits of hell. You open the gates of standards and class telling of how others no longer want to associate with you. Mmmhhhk, but it is you who is losing you.
Your parents do not owe you nothing. And neither do your relations, spouse, children or friends. In fact, let us put it this way, in this life, you are on your own. You hold your future and life in your own hands. You mould this with every breath that you take, every moment that you live, every step that you take, and every choice that you make. It is you who makes your life as you want it to be. Quit blaming others. You need to refuse to wake up to normalcy. Make new choices and friends, and ways of life. Set new standards, those that scare you and throw you off your balance. Decisions that when you sit to think deeply about, you are left wondering how you even came to that moment. Fight to stand tall and rewrite your story. Stop being held back by dogma.
The other weekend, Anastasia went all out to show how poverty mentality can derail someone. She reminded me of words she uttered about two years ago. Given a sacred opportunity to redefine her life and status, she let the waters run down the drain. She said, “So you want me to go abroad, eehh? Then what… I help my father? Over my dead life.” Well, over her so called dead body, she is now seeking for support from her father instead. The other one Cate, said she prefers if it was her father who had died instead of her mother. To be honest, I will never be in a position to tell why a daughter can hold such bile against her father, but then again, I will never tire of saying, it’s never that serious.
My take on an angry parent is that, they are a cloud over your blessings. Anger and whatever else it is, made the girls make weird decisions that have come to haunt them seasons down in their lives. Maybe I am the sceptical type, but trust you me, when you can’t afford an ounce of smile sitting at the same table with your parent, that to me is a recipe for disaster. Bile cooks regrets and failure. You harbour pain and this chews you on the inside. You cannot take a compliment as you view it as spite. Your soul is dark and empty and you feel all alone like the world owes you an apology.
Kenny Rogers sang and said that if you want to learn to play the game, then you must learn to play it right. Know when to hold them, when to fold them, when to walk away and when to run. Life is a gamble my friend, learn to go after a bargain. You never count your money when sitting by the table, as there will always be time enough for counting when the deal is done. Every gambler knows that the secret to surviving, is knowing when to throw away, and what to keep. Because every hand is a winner and every hand’s a loser. Those words shall echo the secrets to life for eons to come. And no one can force you to gain wisdom, you need to seek it, ask Biblical Solomon, the greatest and said wisest man to ever walk the face of mother earth.
While at it, I watched a soul shed a tear at a mistake she made over 36 years ago. She told of how she had crushed her elder brother’s hopes, and asked for forgiveness saying that to this day, she still recalls the vision her brother held for their family. Tears rolled down the old man’s face, and she mumbled on some words, barely being heard as she told of how she has lived her life trying to right that wrong. I witnessed as elder brother and baby sister shared tears of joy in a traditional African ceremony, and as pains and hurts were let go. Calm and quiet took over the event, a wind of sombreness blew across all present. Kerchiefs were sought as emotions rolled. And as the elder brother stood tall, uttering words of blessings over his baby sister, standing in the gap for their late parents, this was proof enough, that respect is earned, it can never be bought.
Choices come to haunt us; whether right or wrong. Please wake up and define your life. Define your friendships, and ways. Define your standards and targets. Specify your desires and hopes. Write your life in black and white. 2019 has just started. I know you can too, because I have been there, right where you are at. Decide not to be identified with failure. Not to be on the other side of anger and pain and hurt. Not to bile up and burst with bitterness and hatred. Make a choice to rewrite your life. Redraw your smile, it is the best gift you can give to anyone.
I am tired, and I will not stand and listen to you wallow about your dead choices. Or openly displaying your ignorance trying to influence others with you bitterness. I refuse to nurse and stand your crappy thoughts and decisions. I refuse to watch you let your talents and gifts wash away in stupidity and ignorance, living without a vision like this world was not meant for you. You too can rewrite history. But you’ve got to arise and smell the coffee. Be intentional and want that good life. Awaken from your slumber before it gets too late. Before the train leaves the station.