I know I am a lazy bum, there is no question about that whatsoever. Exercising is not my thing either and neither is eating healthy. In fact, if I had to choose between a plate of deep fried potato chips and broccoli, the chips have it. Not to forget that serving of Debonairs Chicken Pizza or The Big Square Double Cheeseburgers. And please, I was not coming after your comments. Keep your healthy eating to yourself.

However, on that predawn when the spirit falls on me, then you can be sure the feeding style for the next one month shall be steamed vegetables and boiled proteins. “Thubu wa ng’obe na mahuu” become a daily serving with wheat and white cereals forgotten. From murenda, thabai, managu and spinach to broccoli, cauliflower, and the famous githeri. Not forgetting ugali wa wimbi and mshenye or omugoyo as the Baganda call it.

Then oats take the day after a glass of lemon or onion-soaked water. Followed by ngwaci ama nduma kana mhogo. Now I am hungry. Mmhhhh, just a mention of these and I am salivating. Aki ngoja kwanza nipakue tumbukiza ilibaki jana. Otherwise, my thinking juices will diminish at a rate so fast, Schumaker and his Formular One ride will have nothing on my hitting blankness. Two bites down and i am all smiles.

A slice of wholemeal bread is sometimes a favorite treat ama ugali ya sleepover (we all agree with an extra slice of avocado and all our guards are down) served with eggs, sausage or bacon. How about uji wa mtama, ama the one where even omena and groundnuts made it to the ingredients. Please my friend, if you ever find me on the junkie party, do not be fooled.

Before I meander to territories unknown, wacha I tell you about this healthy living craze. So, my sister thinks I should start exercising my ever-lazy limbs. That I do not move around enough and that I spend lots of my time sitting with my feet on a footstool. I will tell you this for free, I am one of the human beings who move around the most. Covering miles and miles before I can shed an ounce of sweat or even crave a soda. Genetics, they said, the only part of life where one never got a chance to make choices. As long as a target can be arrived at without taking a bus, I will definitely get there.

Hahaha. This was until the LG Health App appeared. Aki I will not tire to say that tech is not my thing. This ka-app happens to be convinced that I should exercise some more. Worse still, it came set to ensure I get to take a minimum of 10,200 steps a day. Haaaa… I thought I always did achieve that before and even more. But you should see my new struggle. Wewe fikiria tu how many steps ama kilometers you cover in a day without counting them. And how far the Rukagina stop is from your house before even counting the number of stairs up to your den on the 6th floor.

One, I do not know how to adjust the little thing to reduce the count of steps. I even do not want to try because at times when I want an adrenaline rush, I just peek at it and remember there is a daily goal not achieved. You should see the craze with which I go about rotating and mark timing in my aboard in a struggle to hit the target. Eeehhh… Having to peak at it every 4 seconds that seem like a lifetime only to realize that I still have a thousand more steps to go.

Zamani, I never used to count nothing. Better still was never agreeing to do the math of finding Uncle Y and X. That is why the remedial math class will wait until my last semester in the campus. It is crazy I know, but I would rather keep rewriting A BA CA DA than adding and taking away sticks. Now, no matter what I do, that ka -alarm that has a cock croaking will ring at 2 minutes to 9:00 pm every night, and my brain will react like that one of a man who has just seen a ghost.

All my other impulses go to a halt and I find myself on the move. Aki I never trained at the NYS but when you meet me mark-timing or walking in darkness along the streets, please, no questions asked. I have a call to answer without which the witch hunter will give me no peace. I will move around aimlessly whistling like the village drunkard right into the night only because of the LG Health App.

The worst side of it is that it does not count how many steps or jumps I deliver in the martial arts room or the gym. As a matter of fact, it kinda goes to sleep only to wake up when I reappear. It even does not count the number of steps I take scavenging for mutura, matumbo or sugarcane in the lanes of Githurai. These are all healthy foods, right? You see.

Please, tell the app sender that I do eat healthily, and that I do punish my feeble legs looking for these foods. And that since tech is not my cup of tea, I will continue being a slave to whatever step counts were set till Angel Gabriel makes his debut appearance to come save me.

High five to all who follow tight regiments and app guides. That is what I term as a calling, the rest of us, we just love the simple ways of life.