I have always preferred to term myself as Victorian. Change does not come easy and even when it comes, I tackle it like I would strategize for battle. I plan from the buying to the tutorial, to the first use and even a backup plan for when it at all it backfires. My dear, I had never understood the difference between the android versions and worse still why I need an Instagram account, Facebook appeared and like a thief in the night, strode right into moments of our lives from our lives. Why then should I let another?
Now, a week ago, I was sent a gift. My lovely sister saw it fit to get me an electric toothbrush. Haha, I do love it, I promise you. It is the best new asset I have after my book collection. But, ilikuja na masaibu yake. I will say over and over again, mimi ni mshamba. Worse still, I enjoy being a mshamba so much, I don’t want you bringing transformations. And if at all you have to, sweetheart, please let it be a portion at a time. Actually, niandikie notes, in point form and attach. Do another copy for revision if I ever misplace the first one. Expecting me to Google will be forcing a cow at the river to drink water; instead, I will wait until thirst pangs hit before I can dare sip let alone bend and drink.
Once the excitement dwindled, that was about a week after receiving it, most evenings of which I would hold it in my hands, feel the bristles, try it out on my skin, press the power button and imagine it uprooting all my teeth before leaving me mang’uruu… you know where I come from right? I mean, a girl’s smile is her all before flowing down to the rest of her giftings… so my imagination spanned the fierceness with which the bristles turned. Then there was the issue of the pea-sized amount of toothpaste. Wacha kwanza nikukumbushe, I am an adult way above the second floor. In fact, maybe on the third. Then, haka katoothbrush wants me to pima dawa iwe dot, and it should cleanse my whole mouth.
Before I am able to demystify the mystery of the disappearing belt, this one I had to get practical. It was a cold chilly Monday morning and I was about to set out for my semester exams. Genius me had it all planned out. Read till 7:00 am, shower, dress up, have breakfast and brush my teeth from 7:45 am. It was going to be the inaugural wash, and a cool five minutes had been delegated for this specific agenda. Bag set, shoes, ready, I took the toothpaste, it was even a new brand for me… siunajua… The Struggle is real… I was matching the whole new experience with everything new.
Armed to the core, what my toothbrush mentor forgot to state (remember how we millennials love to be spoon-fed?) was that I needed to have covered my clothing with at least a leso or whatever else. Staring and smiling at myself in the mirror, I pressed the power button, and the buzz got real. The vibration brought a tingly feel to the rest of my body and before I could recover, the mirror was full of spatter dots. It was so life threatening, that I forgot all I need to do was hold it over the teeth and it does the work. It is so efficient that the hands barely do anything other than directing it. But, the mshamba in me, knew better. Literary, nilisugua meno. Taking it through the normal struggles of a kawaida brush. Hahaha.
Khai jameni, what I haven’t told you is at a moment there, miracles did happen. The biblical multiplication of fish and bread just became real in my mouth. My tongue was a witness to this one. Sasa, remember I did put the pea-sized toothpaste amount… then wacha multiplication ikaanza… 3 seconds later, the mirror, my face, my orange top all the way to my neck were spray painted white. Wooiii. Hahahaha. See my life. Was I going back to shower ama? And you know how everything can just decide to get wrong at the same time, even my face wipes were done. So, the face towel became bae. Not to forget a change of clothes…
Honestly, I need a refund on my tuition. Japwonji, my physics teacher missed the topic of the revolving toothbrush. My mentor too is not a good one. She forgot to say, the brush is switched on whilst in the mouth and not otherwise. And that inajizungusha, yours is to direct it one tooth at a time. How about that I did not need to sugua as if naosha viatu? Wee, that is why I call on all of us other lesser beings, we to whom tech is not a lifestyle for moral support. I still can’t remember if I brushed my tongue that morning.
You would have thought day two would be better… my friends. This one was tougher. Now a pro, I had armed myself with a khanga over my clothing and the rest would be done only after brushing. The directives were followed, adhering to even Uncle Googles wisdom. Then, hardly had I covered the lower teeth, did the brush battery decide to kaput. Yaani, battery ikaisha nikiwa halfway kubrush. Sasa, either the omens were trying to say something to me and my hard headedness was failing them or God knows what. But if only I may ask, was I to go charge as I wait to continue ama pick up my old boo? Your guess is right.
As I continue to learn about this LG health app, I still say, I want to remain Victorian. To not be enslaved by the yokes of tech and remain the simple girl I have always been. Meanwhile, my toothbrush schooling continues. Any Dentists out there, please book me for a tutorial. I will even be your training model.