He called, his ever-banging baritone now a weird version of his former voice. One could easily tell he was disintegrating. ‘What was amiss?’ wondered Maria.
“Good morning, I hope that you are well. I am not…,” for a moment there her heart skipped. Ruthlessly drowning out the excitement building up within her. How she always longed to hear his voice via phone. Even a recording was enough to warm up her now dull days, especially now that he had sojourned to far away lands, ‘the real son of mother earth’; always globetrotting.
“… I lost my sister,” he echoed. Leaving in his wake the deafening sound of death; loudly heard right in between his breathing.
“She died. I am waiting for directions so that I know the way forward.” He paused, one could feel his heart-breaking sigh on the other side of that conversation. Yet all this time, Maria was silent; no reactions.
Now, I have no idea how you people get to have immediate consolation words on your lips. For some of us, we happen to have been born without emotions. Or was it a bad habit picked up along this journey of life? For a moment there, she just listened, and I cannot bring myself to judge her. Not knowing how to respond. Truth be told, it is not like my lot do not have emotions. We do. We happen to be very sentimental. Extremely attached and committed to those we choose and thus hearing him break was torturous for Maria too.
“I hope that you are fine. Take good care of yourself and all the best to you …,” he said. The pretense ever so real. How he wanted to sound normal and his usual self; concerned.
“Take good care of yourself,” he said. And as if she had not heard him clearly the first time, he added. “Ok, it is important.”
“And, I love you!”
“Ok,” she responded. Utterly short of words. How do you console such a person? “Where to start from now?” she wondered.
So, death, oh death! Why are you so mean? Why do you break hearts when we least expect it? Why do you steal from us those we hold so dear? Just when we thought we have tomorrow to tell them how much they mean to us. Before we could get them flowers, or chocolate or gift them with their favorite book. Their favorite meal we did not get to share because either we were so busy for life, or work called. The reason why our priorities got mixed up and we lost ourselves in this mad rush to make all things work. Death, you steal from us even before we get to serve them from this new recipe we learned online. Never even got the chance to go for a walk or getting to kiss the giraffes. Enormously, mean; the grim reaper. When will death ever be taken away from us?
What is work in the first place? The other thief who steals from us the most important moments of life. We miss watching the little feet take their first steps, or them uttering their first words after endless months of cooing and forcing us to transact business in their gibberish lingua. We miss their first play or remembering a birthday because we traveled far and wide. We miss sports day at school or prize giving day because a deal at work can only happen in our face without which the world will stop.
We miss sharing a burst of laughter with a sister, brother or grandma since we have a deadline to beat and your promotion depends on it. Eeehh. Come on peeps, when shall we wake up and smell the coffee? When shall we ever realize that laughter, tears, joys and them moments in life shall never be repeated? They are like water down the river, never to replay. You even forget your anniversary, or just to kiss her good morning. Why again? Because you are a busy chap or the CEO of xyz. Wait till the realities of time dawn on you. Until it hits you that it is too late. That life’s moments are here to be treasured and played along when the moments still cling dearly to us.
You are busy, I see. You even send the driver to pick the kids from school and miss out on the stories of how their day was. You miss the moment to tell him or her how much they mean to you; that you love them. To shop for chocolate and get to share a glass of wine and cake – the chocolate mint cake from Cold Cream still calls. You still miss to see the smile and watch that moment when they get to take in the scent of the roses. Or miss the glee in their eyes as they watch you cook. The admiration that comes as a loved one serves a meal, prepared with so much love and affection. What have we let ourselves become? Where did this giant slowly consuming us come from?
Yes, you miss because you are not only selfish, mean and have no family in your list of priorities.
You miss because you are the boss, right?
You miss because you must work, you are the provider after all.
You miss because, they are no longer of your social status, therefore you cannot be seen with them.
You miss because, these days, your commitments are different.
You miss because, you just realized, your days have 20 hours rather than 24 and hence family and friends cannot get a moment.
Yes, you miss being with your loved ones!
But someday, life will judge you harshly. In these days of social media. The world has become a global village and telecommunication is the best thing ever invented after burgers from Sierra. WhatsApp, Facebook, skype, email, mobile texts, name it. You name them, the list is endless. But here you are, always giving excuses for not responding to texts. You claim to be busy. Not a second to spare otherwise the billion you are chasing will disappear with the wind.
‘Never dismiss anything at face value!’ said my friend cum sister Wanjiku.
What do we do with every dawn? We unleash, (0f course innocently – we never can tell how this little demon inside surfaces). We judge, rate, standardize. We discriminate and map out. We choose who to associate with. Like chaff, we throw aside. But wait till you are bedridden on a hospital bed and them you call friends, tire of taking care of you. When you have nothing to eat and that one you ignored is the only one who will share their salt or Sukuma wiki. Wait until you are not able to pick your kids from school and that woman next door is the only one who can host them, but you have never said hello to her. Just wait until only your aging mother can clean your dirty ass and wipe them bed sores, suffering in pain, the mothering broken heart holding on so tight, she sticks by your side. This is besides you never wanting to hang out with her because she would shame your now middle-class status. Her words coming out in broken English as she struggles to hold a conversation with your American English-speaking kiddos.
Yes, only your sister that you now have no second for, will love you unconditionally when the sun is eventually going down. That guy who will pause his life to ensure you still have a smile on your face, but you choose to ignore him since he drives a Vitz. Mhhh, because of a milkshake from Karrel or a glass of wine from the Gallery, you choose not to tell them that they mean the world to you.
Wait till all you have is to choose their coffin. Or the 4” by 6” hole that will make their abode till eternity. You must choose the flowers to be used that D-day, or the photo that will make their portrait. You have to carefully choose your words in a cheat sheet for a eulogy. However, they are not there anymore. They shall not hear you no more, neither shall they smile back coyly in that smile that warms you up inside.
“If tomorrow never comes…” sang Ronan Keating.
“To dance with my father again….” sang Luther Vandross.
Mhh, can you identify with where I am standing today?
I pray we never get to regret the kisses we never shared. The hugs we never gave and the hearts we never got to warm.
I pray we never cry because they are not here no more, or they are at the point of no return.
I pray that life never gets us to that moment of feeling lost because we are short of words for the things we never did.
“I will call or text you every single day I am away. I promise!” he had said the day before he left.
And true to his word, despite all the hustle and bustle of his ever-busy life, he continuously called and texted. Left voices messages whenever he just had to say something, and Maria was not available to hold a conversation. He has come on closer than a friend. And deep down she knows for sure, she is treasured. The thought of her leaves a ripple effect in its wake in his ever so busy mind. She stands proud today, because she has been loved by the best. She has a new-found friend, in-love with her. That from a distance, God is always watching over them hearts.
But, please allow me to ask this today, 2:15 am, at the end of May. What really is love?