Every time you poke your nose or scratch your ears, I will not shake your hand. And please, I neither do appreciate your parting of my back. But worse still, is when you pull back mucus… eeehhh…ggrrrhhhhh. Please my friend, please. It is sobering enough to see you nurse flu; I truly feel sorry. But when you forget your kerchief or pocket tissues and opt to pull, then we have a problem. I appreciate someone who calls a spade a spade and not a big spoon. It is not a crime to use your kerchief. Actually, do blow your nose till there is nothing to release, then blow again. It releases you from the blockage and you are able to breathe in with ease. Contrary to the pull…

Then, there is the mother who wipes mucus using the kid’s clothing. I openly tell you this, I will not lift your child either. As much as I love kids, if I see you do that, my apologies, but I choose to pass on this one. It is good if you can teach your child to clean their nose from an early age, and better still, teach them right how to do it. Introduce them to kerchiefs where possible and show them how blowing the nose is done.

As my girlfriend, if you happen to realize that you are pregnant; not for the lack of knowledge of any possible outcomes, but for ignorance’s sake. Do not come asking if I know of Marie Stopes. Hata mimi hutumia google maps. Nenda tu pekee yako. I will tell you the reason why. There is nothing like accidental pregnancy. Ulijipeka ukijua. I refuse to feel pity for you. Carry your pregnancy if that is the plan, then let us see you on the other side of motherhood. I will help babysit, so you can grab an hour of sleep.

If for whatever justification you become a MWK, that is fine by me. As a matter of fact, I will turn up for the ice-cream treats and remind you to order for Baileys. As we all agree, mimi ni mlevi, right?(ndoto ni zako) However, I refuse to be on your speed dial every time he goes MIA on you or claims to be busy. We all know where he is right? Naa, sikusaidii kuhesabu makosa, huyo ni bwana ya wenyewe. You remain to be my friend, but again, it is just ok for you to be as lonely. Sijui what it is that you expected.

Poking your hands into my bowl of fries is a No! No! I do not care who you are or that you slept hungry yesterday. If I have not invited you to share, please do refrain. I am not in the business of sharing my fries. I love fries to the moon and back, and my OCD will visualize your fingers as a germ attack on my bowl; meaning I will no longer enjoy my indulgence. Learn to ask for a bowl, or a platter if you must really take a piece. Nitakupa ata toothpick utumie.

When you come to my house and leave my toilet dirty, I will have issues with you. I need my toilet always spotlessly clean. Especially for you guys. It is essential that you learn to aim right at the bowl, not wishy washing on the floor…. noooo. Nimekata! If I must clean up after you because of a splash, then we have a fight.

Do not ask me to comment on your dressing when you keep pulling it down. You need to first be comfortable in it yourself. By this I mean, look back at yourself in the mirror. Take a 360 turn around and ensure you can move comfortably in it. If for whatever reason you must touch it as you walk, let it not be for the realization that it is way shorter than you had envisioned. Be proud of how you walk out of the house every time you take a step into the fresh air. You never can tell what effect your image will reflect on even strangers.

While at it, exposing panty lines is a measure of ignorance. There is nothing sexy there. It is not even fashionable. In fact, it shows that you are not aware of your body size, thus you’re buying a size bigger or smaller for you. Or the style you have chosen is not for your body type. Panty lines under your leggings, skirts, dress, trousers, name it; is a fashion disaster. They are not any attractive than the curve of your old brassiere. Sagging bras say the same thing as your ugly panty lines. Please, get rid of them as fast. They are an eyesore. You do not need to shop at La Senza to get to wear the best, just love your body some more and for sure, I kid you not, you will find a way to shop for better and affordable lingerie.

I will not spend a night at your place no matter what. The walk of shame the next morning is not my cup of tea. Better still, I believe my bed is much comfier than yours. So please, take my no right as I put it. If I say I want to go home, I mean just that. And no amounts of coercing will change my thoughts. I intend to spend my nights nicely tucked in my bed, despite the time I leave the partying arena. Sawa?

Then, there is you who wants me to believe that because you are a single mother, then ‘s…’ is not happening. Eeehh. Please, repeat once more. And make it loud this time around. That is nonsense. Being a single mother does not tie your hands, brains or passions. As a matter of fact, then, you need to be out bettering yourself, your kids, your family. Now that single-handedly you are bringing up your kids or are about too; this means you are a power to reckon with. You are the Queen-pin of greatness. You just need to wake up and smell the bacon. Then go at it, with all your might, till you hit the wall. Then rather than giving up, get another way to traverse that wall. No one is coming to save you. You are the salvation for yourself and your generation.

When we have to do fine dining, please, and on this one, I insist. Do not pretend to be well versed with the cutlery and napkin menace. Kama hujui hujui. Uliza kwanza. Swallow your pride and ask for wisdom from the informed. Better still, have a quick chat with Uncle Google, he does come in handy at such times. But at the worst of times, as I do, stick to your normal spoon or clean your hands and attack the kuku like yesterday’s story. I tend to smile when someone ends up spilling fries on the table in a struggle to cut the chicken or piece of steak. Nothing is ever that serious my friend.

Are you like me you that you still have not figured out what sushi is? Don’t even try ordering it. Do not double place my order assuming what I want will also work for you. I may have gone for ‘ostrich testicles’ (ask Carnivore Simba Saloon), a thought that will make you puke instead. Please, take the time to read the menu for yourself and ask questions so you can make informed choices. Ordering prawns and you leave half the platter on the table is bad manners. And where there is nothing you understand on the menu, order the typical fries, sausage or chicken and soda or juice. That way you are sure to be safe. It is not cool at all, when you nurse a blonde moment, and most especially, after a grand entry.

Taking photos with your android or gifted iPhone 6 at a friend’s wedding is a no-go zone. This is wrong. That is why there is a designated photographer, most of whom tag along with paparazzi partners. Do not for whatever reason be tempted to take over this very crucial role. And need I remind you that it’s not cool to post another persons’ event pics on social media. Let the wedding or event host be the first to launch their pics online. There is a very thin line between celebrating and turning into a ‘slay queen’. Learn to refrain. Or in the least, learn to tag them.

And for you married man still peeping and ogling Natalie Tewa. Wacha tabia mbaya and stick to your lane. You made a choice when you uttered: “…till death do us part.” Why do you want me now to be death? I refuse to be the option. I refuse to be the reason you cheat in your marriage. I refuse to help you nurse your boredom. Please carry your cross alone. I am just as fine without your compliments. You are neither the first nor the last to give a shot at me. Please stay home with your family…

Before I forget, there is you my sister, je, siwajijua vyema? You wake up in this rocky Nyairofi and opt for stilettos when going to work. Sina shida na wewe. You trek four miles from your bedsitter to the bus-stop then another three kilometers to your office. The heels are wasted and they bend, losing shape. Na bado kesho utazivaa. I see you now, I do. A week later, you are busy complaining how your feet are hurting and your back needs a massage. Mama, honestly speaking, do you expect me to turn into a masseuse or what? I refuse to chair the pity party committee. My concern is not even with you, it is with the slay queen who wears stilettos to a garden party. (I need a sip of water) This is equal to wearing heels to the shamba. It is a fashion disaster. Most especially during the rainy season. Eeehhh, let me admit, I still have a weakness for them Louboutin’s, (please remind him for me now that Valentines Day is nigh); however,I refuse to punish my tiny miny feet, in a struggle to look the part. There is a reason why fashion designers cut wedges, blocks, moccasins, doll shoes, name it. Lakini kutembea then a heel cracks or dents in town is a fashion disaster. I will not come to your help. Ata wewe waweza fika Bata ununue ngoma ama Bata Bullets.

All in all, it is high time, people learn to mind their business. No hiding behind the keyboard if you must fight. Come out and handle situations like the mature person that you want to be counted as. Many a keyboard warrior are just cowards. Let us judge you for the person that you are rather than what you act up as.

My ranting for today ends here. Kesho nikiamka from the left, tutaendelea.